Streetlights … or hair dryers.

Audio uplink from excavator Johannes Calder, received on 6/5/08 at 2031 hours:

“All I know is, I found it in the middle of one of the avenues coming off of the Central Plaza and that it hadn’t been there the day before — unless I was confusing it with the avenue directly opposite, but I don’t think so. I was on a mapping tour, and I’m just too careful for that. Of course, someone could be playing pranks, but since Theronomous’ chocolate cake debacle, it’s unlikely.

“It was a single shoe, just lying there. I was by myself, but called the others in soon enough. It looked like one of those Earth Shoes from the ’70s. So of course Marta insisted on us doing a bunch of research.

“Earth Shoes were designed to position your heel lower than your toes. They were designed by a yoga master. The angle of incline toward the heel is 3.7 degrees, which supposedly simulates the angle of one’s feet during the Tadasana pose performed in yoga. This is apparently more natural and healthful — “orthopedically superior.” It used what’s called the Kalso Negative Heel Technology. The Earth company still makes the Earth Shoe, though not in the boxy style they were so known for in the 1970s. They were kind of a joke back then, if I remember, but sold.

“According to an article in Time, the height of sales for the Earth Shoe was 1974. The Earth company website has photos of both its Copenhagen and Minneapolis stores, taken in 1974. And we know the significance of the year 1974.

“I remember how the advertising said that the shoes were supposed to match how your feet were when barefoot. They were supposed to be like walking on the beach. So there you go.

“I’m Robinson Crusoe. I’ve found my Friday.”

The excavators found a toaster.

(Perhaps that should be said more dramatically.)

The excavators found a toaster!

But … well, the first sentence is more apt, for it is an ordinary toaster.

It’s quite a nice toaster, really. It makes toast. It sits there, waiting for you to make it make toast. It’s not grand. It’s not got swept-back wings or Cadillac fins. It’s not got flashing lights or Internet access. But …

Toasters are great because they do one thing. You’re expecting me to say, “and they do that one thing very well,” but that isn’t always the case. They’re temperamental. They’re truculent. They don’t like bagels. They really want you to stick a metal fork in them to get that stuck bread out so they can electrocute you.
But …

You’re expecting me to say, “But you always know where you stand with a toaster.” But you don’t. Don’t base your life’s philosophy on a toaster.

The toaster isn’t a metaphor for anything. It’s a toaster. But …

Sometimes, when you’re frazzled and out of sorts, there’s nothing for it but to do your laundry. All of it. Vacuum — everywhere. Clean the sink. Clean the shower. Clean the toilet. Wash all your dishes. Take a shower and wash your hair.

Get dressed in the toasty clothes you’ve just taken from the dryer and feel the carpet under your feet, all full and fuzzy from just being vacuumed.

Now: the next morning, make coffee. Make toast. Don’t skimp on the butter and peanut butter. (Use one on top of the other, butter first.)

Now look out your window at the sun shining on your city, your town, your hamlet, your square, your house. Your home. Nothing’s solved; nothing’s settled. But if anything worse happens … well, now you’re ready for it, aren’t you? The carpet’s vacuumed. You’ve got toasty clothes on. Whaddya want, egg in your beer?

Sometimes you just have to reset and start over by cleaning everything.

But … don’t forget to make toast, too. It goes with the coffee.